So you’ve had another fight for
the umpteenth time! And this one is worse than the last!
You’ve had it with your spouse
and begin to wonder if you chose poorly. After all, with so many
billions of people out there, is this really the best you can do?
Each of you makes a feeble,
half-hearted, effort to “bury the hatchet”, except, neither of you
has very much tolerance any more where the other is concerned.
It seems that the novelty of
earlier times, when you both enjoyed the experience of opposites
attracting, now finds you seriously wondering whether or not you
have anything in common or ever did!
If you break up, then you must
essentially start from square one all over again with no guarantee
that next relationship will be any better than this one.
If you make up then, presumably,
you build upon what went on before, unless, of course, what you’ve
built previously is faulty or untrue.
I am reminded that every
marriage, even those that are the very best, feel, at times, like
the very worst. And of those marriages, that really are the very
best, most strain mightily not to come apart.
To paraphrase a saying from the
Tao, “all spouses are one spouse”.
The Western version is that “the
grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” until you
have to mow it. What to do?
“Make up or break up”?
From a psychological perspective,
“the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior”.
It is common knowledge that “when
the going gets tough, the tough get going”.
Those that aren’t tough don’t go
anywhere. They perpetuate the status quo.
For such individuals or couples, “no
pain” translates into no pain.
Any “gain” is perceived as the
absence of pain.
A “no pain, no gain” orientation
suggests that pain serves as a catalyst for growth.
It’s just that the experience of pain
must be modulated within levels sufficiently tolerable to enable
whatever is necessary to harness that pain to make it work for you.
Marriage can, occasionally, hurt.
Simply put, you must find a positive
and constructive way to use the pain or lose the pain.
If you succeed in using the pain in
service of losing it, chances are pretty good you will make up.
If you opt instead for losing the
pain without meaningfully using it, chances are pretty good you will
“Make up” is not just what you put on
your face to look good!
“Make up” is what you do to repair,
rebuild and renew you marriage.
“Break up” is what you do to shatter
“Make up or break up”!
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