“I’ve found someone else” is an
opener; sometimes spoken, sometimes acted-out, when one partner in a
marriage seeks something from the other partner in the marriage.
At first glance, it is easy to
conclude that the marriage is over and cannot be saved. After all,
if the love of your life has “found someone else”, then clearly a
decision has been made and that’s the end of that!
But more often than not, “I’ve
found someone else” may really be a very desperate cry for help!
Sort of like a child who resorts
to saying “you’re not my friend” when they don’t get or can’t get
what they want.
Of course, in responding to a
child, their healthy, mature and always committed loving adult would
probably sidestep the comment, “you’re not my friend”, and gently,
but persistently, inquire as to any disappointment, resentment,
frustration or anger.
Underneath these “disguise
emotions” will usually be found hurt, sometimes even rage and
despair, heavily concealed and buried very deeply.
The subjective experiential
reality of “hurt” is usually one important key to understanding the
psychological motivation for acts of “revenge and retaliation” on
the part of the ‘offender’.
So if you ever hear the adult
version, “I’ve found someone else”, of the child’s proclamation
“you’re not my friend” and if you choose not to call it quits, then
you must withstand the initial jolt, however shocking and painful.
Then, it will be necessary for
you to acknowledge the feelings of the other person!
Only, thereafter, will you be
able to carefully assess whether or not there are any additional
issues which, up to this point, have been hidden and need
Finally, any true and meaningful
resolution will absolutely and positively require that “it must be
good” eventually for both parties in the primary relationship (since
the non-primary relationship will invariably be moot at this