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Marriage Rules/Wedding Rings

Marriage Rules©


By Dr. Larry B. Gelman


“I’ve found someone else” is an opener; sometimes spoken, sometimes acted-out, when one partner in a marriage seeks something from the other partner in the marriage. 


At first glance, it is easy to conclude that the marriage is over and cannot be saved.  After all, if the love of your life has “found someone else”, then clearly a decision has been made and that’s the end of that! 


But more often than not, “I’ve found someone else” may really be a very desperate cry for help! 


Sort of like a child who resorts to saying “you’re not my friend” when they don’t get or can’t get what they want.


Of course, in responding to a child, their healthy, mature and always committed loving adult would probably sidestep the comment, “you’re not my friend”, and gently, but persistently, inquire as to any disappointment, resentment, frustration or anger.


Underneath these “disguise emotions” will usually be found hurt, sometimes even rage and despair, heavily concealed and buried very deeply. 


The subjective experiential reality of “hurt” is usually one important key to understanding the psychological motivation for acts of “revenge and retaliation” on the part of the ‘offender’.


So if you ever hear the adult version, “I’ve found someone else”, of the child’s proclamation “you’re not my friend” and if you choose not to call it quits, then you must withstand the initial jolt, however shocking and painful. 


Then, it will be necessary for you to acknowledge the feelings of the other person! 


Only, thereafter, will you be able to carefully assess whether or not there are any additional issues which, up to this point, have been hidden and need addressing. 


Finally, any true and meaningful resolution will absolutely and positively require that “it must be good” eventually for both parties in the primary relationship (since the non-primary relationship will invariably be moot at this juncture).


Sometimes, it is what it is. 


But mostly, it isn’t always what it first appears to be. 


For example, “I’ve found someone else” may really mean that “I am someone else.”


“I can no longer continue the charade of living my life a lie anymore.” 


“I have no choice but to forever break the mold I’ve allowed or created for myself.  And be real.”


At such times, a thoughtful and compassionate, albeit, “no-fault”, response may be more appropriate than returning the favor by reacting, in knee-jerk fashion, with “since I’m not your friend, “you’re not my friend!”   


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